Luzmila: Miracles and Light or Loved by Her Village
Notes on Motherhood from the frontlines of Love
Today Luzmila, my first born daughter, turns 4 years old.
Last night we had a candle light bath and as we did I was thinking about her coming earth-side. That’s four years of a lot of bed times and bath times. A lot of breathing deeply while she cries, crying together, a lot of sleepy nights, running with unintelligible stories, a lot of snacks, please give me a second, not nows, or listen to mommy. Some porque estamos hablando en ingles?— a lot of I love you so much before we close our eyes and drift into sleep. So many tummy rubs and runny noses, so many wacky laughs. Wholesome mispronounced words like panchillones instead of champiñones. Endless, wow that tower you built is amazing! Que hermoso dibujo mi amor! and my favorite question to ask her, how do you feel?
Luzmila is the person that has grounded me in hope and reverence for life. She is a mighty force that swiftly, yet with a cosmic potency came to unravel my destiny as her mother. She is in tune with her emotions and also dominant in her demeanor. She is nurturing and cooperative when in good spirits. She is motherly and sensitive to other’s experiences. This is Luzmila through my lens.
Then, there is her. Her own perception of self. The person she is without my interpretations. She is her own person, which is the miracle of existence. We come from a specific weaving, yet we have our own experience, untouched by other lenses. We interpret ourselves. And as a mother, I know that the guidance I provide for her to interpret her own life, understand what is around her, and fully embody it is key— but it is not determinative. Motherhood is the miracle by which we surrender to Creation.
Luzmila’s coming and the previous three years were years of intense transformation. To the genesis of creating a home and a family, an intense reparation process for postpartum depression, weaving, mending and tending to my relationship with my husband, finding time and energy to rediscover pleasure. All of these processes, all of which are ongoing, have taught me the ebbs and flows of life. The stitches that we make everyday, and how they impact our life in the big picture.
For example, finding short windows in my day to tend to myself and my altar, while I nurture the whole home. Or in the way I ask for support, and learn how to let go and not micromanage everyone. It is about trusting that I can let go of the illusion of perfection. This is something I went through when I was in Mexico, I was crying in my therapists couch, saying that my decision to go to Mexico for a while would hurt Luzmila. She told me “You’re too harsh on yourself, nobody is a perfect parent and you have to tend to yourself first if you want her to be well.”
And what is well nowadays? I mean, how do we make sure that our children are well? With so much violence, and crisis after crisis, will there ever be a well again?
It is a brave act, mothering in today’s world.
It is coming to terms with not knowing, and still doing, still nurturing, still believing that we can create for ourselves a beautiful life, a beautiful home, a beautiful day. The power of motherhoods is creating universe’s. We create a little universe within multiple ones. Like the universe I create when Luzmila goes to sleep. We get out of the shower, I put her pijamas on, we brush our teeth and sometimes our hair, we pee, we drink some water, sometimes she has an apple, most times we read a short book, then lights out, and lately, she’s been putting her head on my chest listening to my heart and then recreating the sound it makes. That is a universe. That is a memory which will live in her flesh and bones forever while she exists on this plane. And so it is, that as mothers we seek to create joyful universes, safe havens from the sometimes harsh reality of the world.
Thank you Lumi, for allowing me to come as I am. I am grateful Lumi for you have me constantly open my heart in the face of change. I thank you for filling my body with laughter, for dancing and expressing yourself reminding me of what connected means. I love that you brought me and Nico together, with a potency I had never known. Thank you for showing me the possibilities of what the world can be, of the joy, community, and innocence that we can experience if we see through the eyes of a newborn human. Thank you for letting me nurture you and in turn learn how to nurture myself better. I love you for you, for the you I wish you to be, and for the one you are. For all the many yous that will exist, today, tomorrow and every single day of your life. Thank you for walking with me and choosing me to be your mama.
Cherishing this moment as I write with tears coming down my eyes in law school and keeping it with me forever,
Your mami Ana
I created this video of Luzmila’s gestación and parto (birthing)— It was homework my elder Ricardo had me do in a moment where I was navigating the strong currents of postpartum. The password is luz.